only want to kiss you

•November 25, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I wish I could tell you that I miss you

I would write it in teeny tiny letters on the back of your hand

so that when the water washed it away you would wonder what it said

I hope some of my curves still make your hands curl

the next morning

when it’s a different face in your memory

I hope some times it’s my face instead

that you want to see

 

I could have you back in my bed but my heart wont have it

I could have you deep in my heart but your walls wont let it

I could dive deep into the morose

spouting prose

or let your smile lift the corners of my own mouth

let your voice turn me like butter

dripping into your hand

but that is not in the plans

 

you never meant to love me

you just thought I was beautiful

but I fooled you

didn’t you see the size of my pupil

opening to all of you

I had to let go of you

to return to you again

and you still wouldn’t let me in

 

so this time I just wish

I could put my initials in a place that wouldn’t wash off

and you would keep them there

until your heart was prepared

for now I am desperately seeking susan

waiting for the moon again,

waitng for the one who can sway with me,

can play with me, like you do

except

I’m waiting for the one who will stay with me

 

but tonight I wanted you to know

that I miss you

and my body leans back into the memory

and my lips

only want to kiss you

I really wanted to bless you

it’s a shame it was just sex to you

inherited

•April 23, 2016 • Leave a Comment

 

 

my mother’s milk dried up

the day her grandmother died

i was two months old

i developed a taste for canned fruit salad

the kind

with fluorescent pink half cherries

in syrup

 

my mother’s heart dried up

the day her father died

i was two years old

i developed a taste for tears

the kind that fall silently

and only in the morning

 

my mother’s mind dried up

the day her sister died

i was seventeen years old

i developed a taste for the dramatic

the kind that happens

when there is a murder in the family

and nobody sees justice

 

i watched my mother struggle to awaken herself

through the years

using various methods and prayers

until her body converged with her fears,

crashed and cleft and split in two

but somehow she chose love

 

i shun death

she follows me around in the background

i keep her on the periphery

i’ve developed an avoidance tendency

but I know someday she’ll come for me

and if i can rise above the stories i have inherited

i don’t have to chase her

i have only to embrace her

i will choose love

 

 

 

with some

•April 23, 2016 • Leave a Comment

with some

you’re so careful

to be careful

with others

you rush right in

mouth first

head to the grinding stone

heart left out in the rain

 

with some you have to kill off sorrow

like lost loves

fast doves

hiding in the rafters

 

with some you forget to look

to see

past what you thought they told you

and hide in the hills till supper time

you go back to your life

back to mine

 

with some there is a race

just to get a taste

to remember the touch of their face

the softness of a man who has known you

when he brushes against your cheek after the show

 

and watching him walk away

knowing he owes you nothing

and that when he prays

your name is not on his lips

but still you wonder

how it could be

if he wanted to give it to you

then how could we dance?

 

i see him

and part of me recognizes him

recognizes the yearning for peace

recognizes the love

trying

to make it’s way out

 

but part of me stares in bewilderment and wonder

at something i can never know

a culture

of a lost man who lost his dad

a heart beat

that won’t make time with mine

a cracked sense of self

a sad song

a sorry son

 

lips sturdy like gray clay

hands that are almost perfect

that feel close to a tenderness

a note i’ve been wanting to strike and sustain

 

if i could meet you outside in the shallows

and play all day

would you follow me into the deep of our sleep?

 

i remember each time you stayed

a river ran between us

we tried to stay on our own shores

but softly we fell

in the night, into the valley of each other

like star seed babies

the color of our skin

combining

 

i know that i don’t owe you

and neither do i own you

i know i don’t know why

because i barely know you

 

there are no answers

only a whisper

that lives in our skin

it pulls us back together

again and again

because no matter how i leave you

there is always a reason

tomorrow

to come back home

Expedition

•April 20, 2016 • Leave a Comment

loving you is like a rock in my shoe

everybody knows what to do

but i can’t see it through

i keep moving it around

so that i dont have to feel you

but i don’t stop to empty it out

and sometimes it presses into my soul

 

loving you is exposure

to the elements

i minimize the risk by not staying too long

i don’t stick around for the burn

that would peel my skin away

and reveal my bare heart

i stay away until my hide heals

 

i don’t think about how the fireworks explode inside me

or how you’ve carved out a space

that only you can fit in

or how i am so free

that i don’t even have to tell you

when we break up

 

but i only leave half way

because loving you is like sun on a cold day

and it’s so warm

if safe inside

i stay

 

i’m weaving a thick wool coat

knowing that when i wander out

mine will be the only footprints in the snow

but i will search for you on the horizon

 

because loving you is like a rock in my shoe

everybody knows what to do

but i can’t see it through

 

 

 

 

it matters

•December 8, 2015 • Leave a Comment

i was raised on

little white lies

raised to hear but ignore

the cries of Black Lives

raised to think i was the same

yet somehow better off

even in my poverty

as if the same low-income housing

housed different definitions

of what it means to be poor

lies so subtle

i was taught they barely mattered

woken up only

when the blood and tears of their mothers

became splattered across my heart

my news feed

my bedsheets

woken

by the darkness i thought

was my opposition

but now

i’ve changed my position

and my blood flows backward from the moon

backward in time

a river running from it’s delta to it’s mouth

from a bedrock of burned churches

in Alabama

to a son of a sailor

to a white man

preaching “wamma jamma”

to a daughter of a disease

and a mammy of disbelief

stolen land and thieves

taking babies from their cradles

creating crocodile tears of their testament

to torture

terrorism is tough

but i don’t want to bore you

go back to your fantasy of footballs

ignore the children at the graves

but no matter how you look at it

you can’t erase that they were slaves

that your great grandmother may have sent a post card

to your aunt in Charleston

with a depiction of the last lynching she attended

you can’t erase that sh*t

i don’t even think we should try

freedom’s empty pitcher lies broken on the floor

i start again by picking it up,

promising

to believe little white lies no more

 

 

a short summer

•October 19, 2015 • Leave a Comment

1.

when the implications hit

i sift through them

and decipher

which ones are legit

is it really a fact that i will not be loved again

or was this

just

not IT?

 

so now i cry

over what i wanted it to be

the promise of early words

new like shiny copper

turning me to gold

they carried me though the questions

till the fire turned to hidden coals

and although it was late August

i was left cold

 

and i don’t want to blame you

any of you

for thinking you could offer me  something i already have

and for leaving

when you realized

you couldn’t give me what i really want

and what is it-

that i really want?

 

the gentle ease of knowing

that what i’ve chosen is right

and to have that feeling last

through the whole night

and not just be ignited

in the chemicals of a kiss

to have us fit together

like long lost friends

and have passion left over

in the end

to carry us on

into the days to come

a plan

to keep adding to and growing

creating an intricate diagram

colluding a castle

and a two handled machete

to blaze a path through the woods of this world

wide enough for two

 

2.when the sorrow sets in

and you realize

you’ll never meet him again

you’ll never feel the rush

of thinking he could be the One

and you’ll never get to know him

deeply

more deeply than you did

 

and yet

going on didn’t seem to be a choice

all the right numbers were there

and the right gears

but the lock didn’t turn

the door stayed shut and time stood still

stretched out like the dessert

no soft parade

or gardens of glory

that

you would have had us make

 

3.

how can we hold all of this?

the hope and the heart broken

the disappointment and appreciation

the questioning eyes

and certain kisses

the decision to say yes

and then turn

and say no

how can we hold all of this?

i want to drop it like pieces of my old skin

time worn and worried

by my own bones

burnt by the sun

and  hidden from the rain

i want to let it go without pain

but no matter how much

or how little you let someone in

they are part of your LIFE

your LIFE

and when they go…

something ceases to grow

 

fallout

•September 11, 2015 • Leave a Comment

one of the planets

in my solar system went down

fell from the sky like a meteorite

and i am despondant

the slow rumble of distant thunder

was too far off to taste

now

i lay waste

to any dreams i dared to dream

and call him into

any

wishes for our hearts

my life is full of false starts

teaching me grand lessons

never trust first impressions

wait

until the fallout comes

and see what kind of shelter remains

see

who is the first to walk away